Simon Brew
Simon Brew followed the battle for Christmas number one with interest. Until it became clear that The Muppets weren’t going to win…
Ever since the result of The X Factor became the determining factor in deciding the fate of the Christmas number one, I’ve never owned the song that’s hit the festive top spot. I’d like to be able to tell you that this is because of a moral stance, and that I’m making a stand for quality music above manufactured pop nonsense. I’m not, of course, but I’m perfectly comfortable with you thinking that.
Sadly though, there are a number of exhibits on my previously-discussed CD rack that would barely require John Noakes, yet alone John Grisham, to tear the case apart in court. I was always a sucker for the novelty Christmas number one, although not as much as my brother, who bought – and this is absolutely true – two copies of Mr Blobby.
By the time you read this, the battle between whoever won The X Factor and Rage Against The Machine will be over. I quite like Rage Against The Machine, purely for getting Nicky Campbell into trouble on Radio 5 Live. I listened to one of his phone-ins once, and it’s enough to make you yearn for Jeremy Kyle.
As has been worked out by surprisingly few people, no matter whether punters opted for the homogenous X Factor winner or Rage Against The Machine, the same parent company would benefit. Sony seems to be the Unilever of the entertainment industry, spreading its tentacles into places that even The Borrowers would struggle to get to. My Christmas single choice was The Muppets singing Bohemian Rhapsody, yet I wouldn’t be surprised if Kermit The Frog had to wash the bogs at Sony HQ in his spare time.
The Sony trick, of course, as is the case with Unilever, is to hide the brand wherever it’s viable to do so. Sure, Sony’s hardly likely to suddenly scrub out its logo on its posh tellies, where the brand name serves it well. But in the case of Rage Against The Machine, how would it aid Sony to let the public in on the secret that the record people were buying to rebel against the big hot corporate-produced favourite was ultimately sending money to the same place? Far better to accentuate the myth that it’s going to some mad fund of real-music rebels instead. I do accept, incidentally, that’s it not quite the same, and that there’s a charity benefit to the Rage Against The Machine song, so I do know it’s not a completely similar scenario. But behind both songs, you’ll still find a Sony spreadsheet totting up the cash.
The conspiracy theorist in me wonders whether Sony had any hand in the promoting of the ‘alternative’ Christmas number one itself? It’d make sense. Counter-programming has always been an effective tool, as has convincing the general public that they’re rising up against something. That said, just in case Sony’s lawyers are reading, I’m not actually suggesting that it would do such a thing. You can call off your hounds now. That said, I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I found out that Sony owned bloody Facebook as well.
It does, of course, hint at the conundrum that big brands face, Apple included. As soon as that corporate logo goes on the box or packaging, the expectation changes. As soon as Apple puts its name to something, you rightly expect a product in tune with its brand values somewhere along the line. And while there are benefits to having a big brand name, there’s a degree of straitjacketing in there, too. Google, to me, is about the only big name that can get away with putting its name to pretty much anything, simply by putting a Beta tag on it. But when certain firms come to play, Apple included, they do end up representing the establishment, no matter how hard they try to convince us otherwise.
Still, there’s little denying that iTunes, and the way it lets the music industry do business, was instrumental in deciding the fate of 2009′s Christmas number one. For a couple of days, the Internet was squealing with excitement that at iTunes, Rage Against The Machine was winning. In fact, I was catching daily updates that pretty much told me exactly how many copies apart one song was from the other on a given day, as if that was supposed to motivate me to go and buy 40,000 copies of my chosen track. That said, having checked the odds 24 hours before the announcement, my song of choice sits at 41/1 to be Christmas number one.
What to do? Spend the best part of £250,000 to at least try and skew the result in The Muppets’ favour? Or spend the last £10 in my pocket at the local Spar in a valiant attempt to buy enough legal products to wipe the whole sorry mess from my head? Given that my local Spar has a three for a tenner offer on Echo Falls wine (I’ve no idea what it tastes like, but having examined the label, I’m fairly confident it’s not made by Sony), I’m afraid I’m going to have to let Kermit down.
Sadly, in the face of classy screw-top bottles of wine, what’s a man to do?
