- Simon Brew
Who could have predicted the tragic turn of events when Stephen’s mummy and daddy threw a party to celebrate the debut of Windows 7?
One October day, Stephen woke up particularly excited. Stephen didn’t want to go to school today, because he knew that very afternoon he would be going to a very special party. A Windows 7 launch party. He had bought a special blue T-shirt to mark the occasion.
Stephen’s mummy and daddy had been busy preparing for the big day. They had bought a series of snacks that would leave everyone three-quarters satisfied, and had bought several bottles of blue pop. Stephen’s mummy and daddy were very keen to mirror the fun that some people were having in a video they had been watching on their computer.
No, not that video. The one where four helpful and culturally diverse people, who looked like they’d not been invited to a party for the best part of 20 years, gave hints and tips on what makes a party great. Stephen wanted to be just like them when he grew up.
But Stephen was confused when he was allowed to watch the video. ‘Mummy,’ he had said in a confused voice. ‘How can we possibly make our party as good as that one?’ ‘You just leave that to me, dear,’ Stephen’s mummy assured him, as his Uncle Max walked past muttering something about ‘three crates of Stella and some hardcore narcotics would be a start’. Stephen wasn’t quite sure what Uncle Max meant. Silly Uncle Max!
All of the children at Stephen’s school were very jealous of him. Timmy, the boy he sat next to in class, was that very evening going to watch a big football match and was excited because he was going to get the autographs of the players after the game. After learning that in Stephen’s house was a box with Windows 7 Ultimate in it, that a man called Steve Ballmer had written his name on, Timmy got very jealous.
‘I wish I was as cool as you,’ said Timmy. ‘Now, now boys,’ said Miss Dutton, their teacher. ‘Timmy, don’t be jealous of Stephen’s Windows 7 launch party. No, seriously. Don’t,’ she assured him. ‘But why can’t my parents have a Windows 7 party?’ wailed Timmy. ‘Because they’re not homogenised freaks,’ Miss Dutton replied. Stephen made a vow to load up Windows 7 as soon as he got home to work out what ‘homogenised freaks’ meant.
When Stephen got home, he could barely contain his joy at seeing the most exciting collection of guests he could ever remember his parents inviting round. Uncle Peter wasn’t usually allowed to leave the centre during the day, and so Stephen was particularly delighted to see him. There was a bit of a fracas when he tried to eat the special Windows 7 jigsaw puzzle, but they all laughed in the end. Silly Uncle Peter!
Daddy was keen to organise the party games, and Stephen was keen to join in. He always loved playing defrag the parcel, and didn’t understand why Aunt Maud walked out, saying, ‘This is the worst party I’ve ever been to,’ grabbing a bottle of something called ‘Tequila’ as she went out. Silly Aunt Maud!
Stephen’s daddy had carefully packed away the Nintendo Wii, the piano and special beer fridge that he had got last Christmas. It was a good idea, thought Stephen, as there’s more room for computers that way. That’s what people come to a party for, after all.
Oh, the fun that they all had! Granted, musical chairs became a little problematic when the tunes coming out of the Windows 7 Media Player kept stuttering a little, and the party had to stop for an hour or so when Cousin Billy was found hanged in the bathroom. But Stephen had a lovely time and he couldn’t wait to get to school the day after and tell everyone about it. Everybody left the party about 8pm saying it was ‘past their bed time’, but Stephen couldn’t understand why they didn’t look happier when his daddy told them, ‘We’ll do this again when Service Pack 1 comes out.’
The following day at school, Stephen told Miss Dutton all about the party. Timmy, it turned out, had met Wayne Rooney, David Beckham and three members of Girls Aloud at the football the night before, and spent several hours, he said, sharing Vimto and crisps with them all. Stephen thought Timmy was very brave and was trying hard to cover up his jealousy. He made a vow not to be boastful about the special party he’d enjoyed.
When Stephen got home that night, though, he couldn’t find his mummy and daddy. Instead, there was a man who said his name was Brian and said he lived somewhere called ‘social services’. Brian explained Stephen was going to have to come and stay with him for a while. Stephen started to cry. ‘There, there,’ reassured Brian. ‘It’s okay: we’ll see mummy and daddy next week.’ ‘But what about my Steve Ballmer-autographed copy of Windows 7 Ultimate?’ screamed Stephen, as he was led into the special van.
‘It’s alright Stephen,’ said Brian, handing him a piece of fruit. ‘Here, have this apple. Everything will be okay soon’.
The End.
